I remember the days vividly, when I was their only home, when I was safety and comfort and everything they needed. I was the mother I always imagined that I would be, I packed lunches and detailed instructions for sitters and preschool! I was at all the school functions and sports practices and games. I was present, I was MOM. My oldest sons were 5 and 4years old when everything changed.
It has been 7 years now and the temporary agreement is more permanent than my mind can ever really accept. I built up this wall and formulated this notion in my head that it was for the best, and even now almost a decade and what feels like many lives later part of me still believes, it is still for the best. I struggle even with reassurance from my closets friends, to believe, that if today there was no barriers, that moving them home would be “the right thing to do”.
I’m what you would call “a work in progress” I have come a very long way from my teen mom days but some days I feel cursed…like a rain cloud follows me everywhere I go. There are also days that I feel like “THAT mom” I try really hard on those days to hold onto that feeling for as long as possible. I always remind myself to be the parent I CAN be not the parent I was supposed to be.
Dear Diary 